Reserving for the deserving

It needs to be no one on the lukewarm roads to make choices wisely. One never knows who will come along and steal your heart away. Reliving the past with half-remembered stories, half-baked lies, and imagined truths only half-discovered the days nothing more than fallen leaves swept up in the cold, hard winds of time. A circle of old friends...coffee hot and bitter arguing over the bill when the eye contacts another, was that your first crush? If that was your first crush then what made you like her/his friend more than your partner, How did the man/lady leave a huge impression that made you think that he/she could have been a ideal partner, Didn’t you think of any other person, other than your partner when the sex cell stimulated you. The thoughts one has for oneself occupies the aura and fills the entire being only to suppress the deserving??

We lust for what we cannot have; I have become a link to the unbroken chain of lovers, who remain unloved for the wanting of love, While I'm near mad with wanting her, As trees must have the sun, I cannot help but find love in her, only to realize that some day she would love someone else, though not more than how much I love her. Even when I am in bed my thoughts rush to her, now and then joyfully, then again sadly, waiting to know whether fate will hear our prayer, to face life we should be together or never see life forever but then, Oh God, why should I be separated from her who is so dear.

Do not know how I got into this situation, why do my words pause with hesitation, is it my overactive imagination. I’m uncomfortable having so much emotion and I don't know from where I got that notion. Sometimes I feel so inundated thinking, is it really that complicated? All I know is good a relation does not need promises, terms and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people “one who can trust and the other who understands” and what if someone broke the trust someday? Trusting the person was my decision. Proving me right is a choice I have given to the person.

Just a line to say I’m living and I'm not amongst the dead. Though I'm getting more forgetful and mixed up in the head. Does it matter? For her my simple words are like summer rain that drums on hills, fields and hearts, and then vanishes again.

Helpless

“Desire is the main reason for worries” that’s true!!” Confusion is the hallmark of a transition that is also true. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project of transformation; it will have life staring at you in the mirror. As it is said “Objects seen in the mirror is closer than you think”, just when we realize it is the end of the tunnel the powerful dig more tunnels only to extend your ray of hope. Seldom when we start seeing light at the end of the tunnel, little do we know it is the train which is running in.
Have you ever got frustrated waiting to be interviewed? Have you experienced organizations asking you to join them in a week’s time post issuing the offer letter, but asks you to serve 3 months notice while leaving? Isn’t it true that whoever has the gold makes the rules?
Have you ever thought why Politicians who divide our country basis religion, language and caste roam scott free while people who protest the divide get arrested? You dare not think that Bush Jr & Tony Blair will ever be tried for war crimes? Osama never got arrested even once. Manu Sharma goes on parole to disco’s. On the other hand we have people like Vikram Buddhi, Aaafia Siddiqui, Ruchika Girhotra, Lakshmana Kailash (The lesser known techie from Bangalore who got arrested because the service provider gave a wrong IP address to the Maharashtra cops, when a hate message was posted against a leading politician of the state) were they or will they be given a fair trail at all? Maybe they are! May be they are not. Maybe they could be a victim of concept of judgment which most of the times are subjective, not just for the mere reason that someone up there wants you to show how helpless you are. But maybe wants you to feel it too.
118 News Channels in India flashing the same anecdote almost everyday. Every incident of stray atrocity on Indian in Australia is concluded as a racist attack. And then there is this media trial, where some channels even go to the extent of passing judgment, forgetting that they just aired an advertisement of fairness cream during a commercial break. The advertisement endorsed by none less than the leading movie stars of my country. 1.3 billion Hypocrites will that be an over statement? If this statement is true it is more dangerous than the nuclear bomb itself.
The law is for everyone, but it depends on how one implements it. If you protest to bribe a cop who is required to sign on your passport papers, not only your processing time gets extended but you could be booked for disrupting a government officer from discharging his/her duties. But if you turn out be a politician’s kin then not only could you flaunt your high handedness, but you could jump the long queue to be seated right in front of the PSI who would even order for tea and snacks for you, by charging “Extra” from the bribe receivable from the next lay man in the queue.
I am sure you could relate to the Incident which is most common of my countrymen’s life. At Rickshaw stands, especially if you are in a hurry to reach a destination. You call him “Bhaiyya” (Brother) I need to go to Santacruz train station. The rickshaw driver would say no!! I am not going anywhere. Then you persuade him until he agrees for a little extra “I will charge you 'X' Rs Plus”, you say ok!! now move. Then comes condition number 3, I will drop you on this side of the highway. With no other Rickshaw in sight you agree to condition number 3 as well. Where does that leave you? What does that make you? Have you ever questioned your self? If not, do it now.
Jaanu do I really have to go through this, is there an alternate? Asked Raj’s beloved wife when he suggested an abortion due to job Insecurity during the recession. His eyes were drenched so was hers when Raj hugged her and nodded his head looking into her pale face and eyes which had embraced dark circles due to lack of sleep. The couple spent sleepless nights together talking how they could survive just incase Raj lost his job. It was a love marriage against all odds. They eloped and got married it was not approved by Raj’s in laws. His life was revolving around a job, had he lost it. It would have been a perfect fodder for debate for his in-laws, to win a psychological war against him. It would have been an apt food for thought to win back their only daughter, Raj thought to himself.
Raj had been promoted to a new role only a month ago, that could be seen as saving grace contested his wife to re assure that all is well, will end well. That could be a consolation but not saving grace replied Raj. Like everyone else he too had been asked to stay alert and look around for opportunities. That took him down the memory lane; he recollected reading Narayan Murthy’s (Chief Mentor Of IT firm Infosys) article which was doing the rounds on forwards. “Don’t love your company so much. You never know when the company stops loving you”. Raj felt like picking the phone and calling up Narayan Murthy to say how true his article was. Raj too worked for long hours not giving heed to family life or relations. He would not avail leave unless he was really sick and not able to drag himself out of the bed.
He had now landed in an unfamiliar situation which was soon getting known to him. As days passed Raj realized he survived the great depression of his times. He felt like Lady Anne who survived the Titanic sink. Months passed the hangover of recession still remained raw in the minds of the people who survived it. There were formula’s worked out by colleagues on which company to join and why? How much to negotiate and which is the safest designation. Raj knew sooner or later he had to get out of the pandemonium; He set a deadline for himself and communicated the same to his wife & mother who were dependant on him. There started a war within him and the struggle for a new beginning. Little did Raj know it was the beginning of the struggle for survival, as his boss had already had other plans chalked out for Raj.
Long hours in office, setting up systems & processes, streamlining the world’s most chaotic processes in the company, where systems and processes were changed like undergarments. Early morning sms’es to colleagues. Early to office, last to leave. A person who was known to everyone across functions as a diligent worker was now made to feel like serviette.
Do you have a housing loan? Bargain with bank to revise the term. Your team budget has been revised. You need to operate within this circumference, you cannot recruit so what if the volume is high and the TAT and quality are falling. Try and outsource this piece to rural BPO you too move there. I am not a mail person, it is unfair to expect reverts from me, If these are critical you should have called. I saw your number on my cell. I missed your call. I forgot to call back said his mentor who had already drawn maps of Raj’s exit.
A Traumatized Raj knew he had to revisit his plans, as his exit has been staged and advanced in the pretext of lean structure. Raj asked his Mom to take stock of her assets she owned, to check if he could save the house which he had purchased just before he joined the organization. He asked his wife to be alert and check if she could find a better job which could cover their basic necessities. He frantically started applying for jobs, He reached out to people whom he knew but in vain as they too were recession struck.
In the interviews he attended, he was asked questions. “Where do you see yourself three years from now? Three years from now..ummmm perhaps knocking at another company’s door? That is just incase if another recession does not knock me off ”, Raj thought to himself. These are typical Interview questions which puts a candidate at one end and a moron at the other. You spent only two years in the previous organization??? Why are you looking for a change??? “Work in my organization, be in my shoes and then ask this question you ass” Raj pondered. But as luck has it, nothing really worked for Raj.
“Your dad had gifted these things to me I cannot part with them said Raj’s mom”; any widow would have behaved in the same manner as Raj’s mom did. Janu except for the mangal sutra I can help you with the jewels you have purchased for me. But they may or may not be worth more than one lakh Indian rupees claimed Raj’s wife.
As the tension embarked, with it increased the blood pressure, anxiety, insomnia and confusion as what to do next? Raj thought if I commit suicide at least my mom and wife can survive for a decade with their kind of life style. But again will my wife take care of my mother who is ageing was another question which kept bothering Raj.
Raj’s thoughts flickered through Subroto Bagchi’s book “The professional”. In the third paragraph page sixteen of the book Bagchi says, “Put yourself in the position what you are going to do to others”. Professionalism could be subjective. All Head Of Department’s in Raj’s organization were gifted with a copy of Bagchi’s book. But people who did not want to read it had a way out; also it was not mandatory to implement key points given in the book.
Rationalization or laying off gave some bosses a professional high. After working for 4 years in the organization Raj was told he lacked interpersonal skills, something which Raj wouldn’t have imagined after working for 13 years as client relations person handling International clients for over 8 years. After 2 promotions in 3 years in the same organization how did the company wake up to an attribute like interpersonal skill to be an issue in the 4th year of his service, when the work he did and people he interacted with, did not change much claimed Raj.
But as fate would have it, one cannot fight destiny. Raj being a strong believer of destiny could not have thought different either. Knowing that things might get worse, Raj put his house for sale on every given website that dealt with real estate. Depreciating value due to economic crisis added insult to injury. By the grace of god, His wife managed to fetch a job in their home town. At least that gave them some ray of hope for survival.
Antics of the people around quickly change when one becomes a victim of circumstances. Very few want to be associated with a victim. “If you have not experienced it yet, allow life to fail you once” as Raj spoke to himself, his phone rang, it was his wife on the line “Jaanu, Mom & I felt like eating outside tonight. We went to Shivasagar (A decent road side south Indian vegetarian restaurant), Mom wanted to try something different so she ordered for cheese masala dosa & I had besibele bath (A south Indian dish made up of rice). Mom liked the dosa, I think he (Chef) should not have added brinjal in besibelebaath that does not taste good you see… On our way back we tried hiring a rickshaw, the driver said we would have to pay Rs 15/-. Why should we pay him 5 rupees more Jaanu? Mom said we will walk back, we chatted while we walked. We really enjoyed our evening Jaanu”…Once you come down we will go to Bannerghatta National Park the Volvo buses plying in this area charges Rs 30/- for a round trip. It suddenly struck Raj, if life was so simple then why are we being so materialistic? We do not have to run others down to garnish our life. Do we? While Raj was lost in his thoughts he heard a pale voice “Jaanu are you with me?” Yes sweetie!! mummered Raj. This time, I am completely with you….

Animal Care Trust Mangalore, Interview In Indian Express, Oct 26,2000

I try to mend the broken pieces. I try to fight back . They say it's just a state of mind. But it happens to everyone. I must have the will to carry on. The show must Go On...........

A day in my life in Mumbai - By Megharaj Rajeev

Just when I was pleading with the guy who held me for a ransom that I would never ever have dinner at the five star hotels, the calling bell rang. I woke up to heavy breathing. Thank god it was just a terrible night mare. I pinched & said to myself, I am glad I am alive, inspite of living in Mumbai.
I literally dragged myself out of the bed to pick the morning news paper. First thing I saw was the obituary column, to see if everyone whom I know including me were still alive. I opened the newspaper to a gruesome joke. A ex chief minister accusing the current chief minister of being incompetent, I thought one needs to be corrupt not competent to rule this state. As I read three pages of the news paper I recollected I had to meet a friend in South Mumbai in the afternoon, I took a quick shower and decided to carry the news paper with me to kill time in the train if I did not get killed. I quickly purchased a first class ticket to avoid the long queues and boarded the train and continued reading the news paper from where I had left.
The fourth page of the news paper carried the priorities of the newly elected Deputy Chief Minister who claimed during his time as the home minister he had adequately provided the state police with sophisticated weapons to take anyone head on.
Like any Mumbaiite I could not have believed him, after all he is a politician. I thought to myself I should not be taking chances therefore it was better for me to read the daily astrology column before I disembarked the train at the CST station. As luck had it the astrologer had written nothing about a terror strike on me, I thought it was safe for me to disembark at the CST station. I disembarked the train only to see a rather unusual deserted look of the CST station, where otherwise even the dogs think twice to wag their tail horizontally. As I walked down the platform towards the exit I saw two constables with the fiber Lathi’s (Stick’s) in their hands, that reminded me of the statements made by the Deputy Chief Minister who had provided the sophisticated weapons to the police force during “His times”. Deputy Chief Minister being sixty years old, I guess he was referring to his times when he was really young. I thought I should not read too much into it and carry on.
I met my friend and started walking the talk; we went around seeing places which was seized by terrorist’s couple of days back. Each cop whom we spoke to had his version of the story. My friend who handles quality for an MNC said, “We need to have the version control in place before we lose track on the number of versions we had heard of the same incident until now". I clicked few pictures of the Taj, Trident before the dusk started setting in.
True to being typical corporate employees my friend & I walked into the bar which was also attacked by the terrorist during the city's worst carnage.
As we settled into good music & beer, in this rather deserted bar which otherwise had new customers waiting for the occupied chairs to be emptied every half hour.
My thoughts began to roll back to the “spirit of Mumbai” & the current spirits in Mumbai which arose because of terrorist attack. I asked for the bill not before clicking few pictures of broken glasses & the marks made by the penetrated bullets on the walls & the roof of the Bar.
I wrote a note to boost the spirit of the owner, while handing the note to him i told him, his bills should carry this note. “Nothing can stop us from getting you into “High Spirits” yes! spirit was the word carved out of niche even here.
I bid adieu to my friend before walking back to the CST train station. As I boarded the train I saw couple of more constables with the magic wand provided by our Deputy Chief Minister to fight the terrorists tooth & nail. After reaching home I thanked God that i am still alive & prayed to him for a transfer to a safer city soon.

My Favorite mistake

She was everything to me;
My life, my soul
No one could ever replace her.
In my dreams, she’s still mine
She was my light in dark places;
My love when I would hate

She was made for me
I thought I finally found a match.
She was my escape,
But all I found was pain;
Something to cry over,

She was something I wasn’t good enough for
She was something I could never have
From one look in her eyes,
I had a reason to cry

She was my favorite mistake
Oh, what a lovely phase
She was the only thing in life
That I hurt for, that I love, I craved

I was addicted to her
She just never realized
She would have hurt me in so many ways
But she was my escape, my favorite mistake

Quarterly Life Crisis

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You do it though, and the next day regret it, stating over and over..."this is my last time.” You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can too figure this whole thing out…

Friend

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life.Happiness lies for those who cry those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of the people who have touched their lives. A great love? It's when you shed tears and still you care for him/her, it's when he/she ignores you and still you long for him/her. It's when he/she begins to love another, yet you still smile and say I'm happy for you.If love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again. Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you never have to die with it.The strongest people are not those who always win but those who stand up again after falling. Somehow along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize there should never be regrets, only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you've made. A true friend understands when you say, I forgot, waits forever when you say, just a minute, Stays when you say leave me alone, opens the door even before you knock. Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on.It's more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly. Outward tears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever.In love, very rarely do we win but when love is true, even if you lose, you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself. There comes a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person has stopped loving you but, because we have found out that the person would be happier if we let go. It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for one that's available. Best to wait for the one you love than one who is around. Best to wait for the right one because life is too short to waste on just someone. Sometimes the one you love turns out to be the one who hurts you the most, and sometimes the friend who takes you into his arms and cries when you cry turns out to be the love you never knew you wanted.